LIFE LESSONS IN PILLOWTALK: MORE LIFE

"I hate it man, it's like we'll go to a bar, he tries to pick up a girl, inevitably gets rejected, says the place sucks and wants to go somewhere else. He's hell-bent on finding his 'other half.' I get it bro, but like that can't be the only reason for going out. Just going out to pick up girls? Nah, it's like I keep telling him just to enjoy the experience, the moment. There's gotta be more life, right? Not just trying to find his 'other half.' I mean, he said 'I'm not wrong...' What does that even mean, not wrong?"

"Not wrong." A phrase gaining increasing popularity among stubborn individuals who will acknowledge that someone has a point, they may even be right but they weren't ready to admit that yet. He did have a point though. More life... I think about this and "Passionfruit" slowly creeps into my mind, the lyrics juxtaposed with the idea of this guy's friend trying so hard to find his other half. The real question is, what does it even mean to "find your other half?" have we not moved passed this yet?

"Ugh, I'm over it." My eyes shut and my body feels heavy as I lay there on the floor. Though I know I'm not moving, I feel as though I'm rocking gently on a boat. I come to the sudden, unfortunate, realization that I haven't eaten in a while and the prosecco navigating its way through my system would have nothing to stop its effects. "Drunk words are sober thoughts," a phrase I learned in college. And so it would be.

"Finding your other half is ludicrous. So what? We're supposed to grow up with the belief that we're running around this world as half a person? That needs to stop."

"Haha, wait a second, you're not a hopeless romantic too?"

I turn my head and look him in the eyes. He's known me for years, he knows better.

"Here's the thing. If you run around the world trying to find your other half you're going to be disappointed. You will constantly be let down because instead of facing your thoughts, solving your problems, getting your shit together and growing, you have decided to leave ALL the answers and solutions to these issues at the mercy of another human being to fix. No one should have to be responsible for fixing another person's inner issues. You gotta learn to hold your own hand before holding someone else's hand. It's the thing about the oxygen masks that I always tell you about right? Put yours on first before helping others. The thing about relationships, I think...is that a person has no business being in one if they haven't discovered who they are as a person. How do you know who you want to be with if you don't know your own likes, dislikes or preferences? Can you confidently answer the, 'what do you want for dinner?' question or are you still too afraid to voice your opinion? I guess I'm just saying that people need to love themselves first and get to know themselves and their identity before getting into a relationship so that when they do they will know it's the right one and be sure of it. And yeah, maybe he'll find the one by going out to the bars every single weekend, shooting his shot every chance he gets like some kind of exhausting relationship algorithm. But I just think, as you said, there's more life and I hope he can take time to be good on his own for a little bit and let it happen like, organically. You know?"

"Zzzzzzzz."

"Okay seriously?" I look over and he's snoring. My soapboxing, tipsy speech about relationships has not even been able to go in one ear and out the other, it wasn't even processed. Probably for the better. Maybe. Ok, so the "other half thing" doesn't fly with me and I think the hopeless romantic stuff is for other people...people who are Pisces, or was it the Cancers? Who knows. Is it too much to believe that instead, the point of it all is to be a whole person who finds the one that is able to bring out the best qualities in them? Qualities that have always been there but just needed that lil' extra shine? What about someone who can keep you calm, give your brain a rest? Yes, that is what I need, someone to keep me from overthinking. I have way too many therapy sessions going on in my mind to participate in my own life. Maybe I need to start living by this "more life" mantra.

I let my thoughts wander into memories of small talks, not to be confused with 'small talk' which is dry, polite, elevator conversations about weather. No, small talks. Musings about whatever comes to mind, sometimes heavy or light. Small talks that would occur on the road when it was dark and we were headed home after watching the sunset.

I can't help but think "if only you had met me when I was a whole person. I've solved my problems now, come back to me."

The memories get fuzzy and I let the prosecco filter through my brain.

"...listen, seeing you got ritualistic..."

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