LIFE LESSONS IN PILLOWTALK

Quiet conversations about love, death and dying in the midst darkness. What is it about the dark the makes us fearless enough to share secrets and intimate moments? What is it about darkness that allows us to dream, to give our bodies rest, completely defenseless. At the same time, how come it also makes us so afraid to be alone? Is it the fact that we are physically alone that causes the fear or that finally one is forced to be alone with their own thoughts?

Rest

"I feel stupid for having ever ranked pain as a 10 before. None of it was pain, the time I broke my arm or got that concussion. Yeah those hurt like hell but it wasn't pain. This is pain, pain that can't be cured. Bones heal, even your brain can heal but this? Is this going to last forever?"

"It doesn't have to be." I said, knowing it wasn't true. Every happy moment she had left to experience, the graduations, the wedding, birth of future children was going to be clouded with a twinge of sadness knowing that the person she would want to share those memories with would be long gone. She would be in the midst of these experiences laughing and smiling only to turn around to look and realize for a moment she had forgotten she was no longer there and then that next wave would hit. This was pain. This would not heal. The waves will never cease.

"I mean she's gone. Like, gone-gone, not going to the gas station to buy lotto tickets. I guess she did her job. She did her job and her time was up. It's not fair. I needed her, I still need her! Why did she leave me?"

"She didn't leave you, at least not intentionally. It's as you said, her job was done and now...well now she can rest."

Done

"I think the thing that sucks is that I was sure."

You were sure?

"I was."

Was.....

"No I mean, I am. I am sure! I just needed more time."

For what?

"Anything. I needed more time for everything....I needed a Sunday morning with coffee. Silence on a road trip to take it all in. Laughter after a long day, musings before the day begins. Moments you know? Lots of moments, there were supposed to be more moments. That was supposed to be it. I needed it to be it. I want to be done."

But do you?

"Yes, I do, I was done, that was it."

So what happened?

"I don't know. I guess we never put our cards on the table, you know? We never really got into deep conversations. I mean it wasn't all small talk but I thought it was enough, nothing heavy, nothing light, just enough."

But if it ended then it wasn't really enough, yeah?

"Yeah. I don't know, I guess I thought time would be endless and I took advantage of it. I really thought there would be more time just to get to those things. I never thought it would be over."

But it is... over. Well, maybe you just weren't ready.

"I was though. I want to be ready, I need to be ready."

It's ok if you aren't, I mean there's no rush.

"I know but I want to be done."

I know you do but, it's not about being done or if it is then clearly you're not done and this wasn't it so we have to go find it, ok?

"ok."

Ok. Good. Now, let's get off the floor.

Happened

"...we're so close, to something better left unknown. I can feel it in my bones, gimme sympathy, after all of this is gone..."

"OMG, what is this song? I mean does this not perfectly describe our situation?"

We had laid in silence for what seemed like hours with the exception of Pandora playing our go-to alternative/indie mix softly in the background. Nursing our hangovers with microsleeps, letting the silence fill the air, waiting for the other to be the first one to break it.

"I can't believe I did that."

We laughed, replaying our versions of the previous night in our heads, a drunken mess with missing scenes and a newfound hatred of Smirnoff Ice, the only thing our 19 year-old selves could get a hold of.

"Whatever, it happens, I mean YOLO, right?"

YOLO, a term we used all too often to describe any idea that was slightly stupid which was a culmination of our freshman year up until that point.

"Do you think things are going to be awkward now, I mean, are you going to tell him what happened?"

"Probably not. Should I? It was just a kiss...right? What exactly is considered cheating. Does it matter if you didn't care about it? Does it matter if it just... happens?"

Oof, that thought required a long pause and though we couldn't see in the dark, a side-eye for confirmation was exchanged.

"I was gonna say 'I don't know' but that's not true. It happened right? So, I think... I think it matters because it happened. You can try to forget it and write it off because it didn't matter to you but it doesn't change the fact that it happened."

"Right. It did happen. What's the name of this song?"

"...Gimme Sympathy."

"How fitting."



Need

"They don't know what happened, it could have been anything. I just went in and they told me. 'No heartbeat.' And that was it. No explanation, no rhyme or reason, it's just over."

Ugh, my head hurt processing the news. It wasn't supposed to be like this. How can something end before it has had a chance to live?

"I'm so sorry, to be honest, I don't know what to say, what do you need?"

"Nothing. I guess. Well not nothing. I want closure. I need closure. I need to know why it happened. I know I won't get that answer but I want to know it's not my fault. I mean I know it wasn't but I can't help but think maybe I did something wrong? I shouldn't have said anything at all, it was too early, should have known better."

We sat there in silence and I thought about death and what it means for the people dealing with it. We ask the living what they need but they are so overwhelmed by realization that they have been left behind that they can hardly process what they need so they say something like, "I'm good, I don't need anything" and then the help leaves. What they really need is someone else to just be there, be present, be breathing, be proof that there are others out there and that life goes on. So, I sat there, present, breathing, unable to give her the closure she needed but at least not leaving her alone with her thoughts.

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