CONFESSION: 2.0
There was a movie that came out a few years ago called, “Collateral Beauty.” Based on the trailer, it was shaping up to be a phenomenal film with a clever concept and A-list cast to boot. Sadly, the reviews were less than stellar. For one reason or another I missed seeing it in theaters and completely forgot about it until I found myself scrolling HBO Max before the end of 2020 and it came up on the home screen. I selected it thinking, “I’ll fall asleep to this” which is how I usually fall asleep, listening to the sound of some show or movie instead of the voice in my head telling me all the things I failed to accomplish that day and what’s on the to-do list for tomorrow. Can you tell I’m in my late twenties?
Within the first ten minutes I was intrigued. The premise for those who missed it, is centered around a man named “Howard” played by Will Smith who is struggling to process the unexpected death of his six year old daughter. In dealing with his grief, he writes a letter to three “abstractions,” as he calls them, also known as “death,” “love,” and “time.” These abstractions come to pay him a visit in-person and confront him about the things he writes in his letters. Without giving too much away, at the end of the film, we see how their visits impact not only Howard, but the people involved in Howard’s life which becomes the “Collateral Beauty.”
I think it’s fair to say that when most people think of “collateral” they think of what would be exchanged if something goes wrong or they think of “collateral damage” or the unintended damage inflicted on something other than the original target.
It’s a tired conversation but the COVID-19 pandemic caused a ripple effect with collateral damage that hardly anyone could have imagined. Was anyone familiar with the terms “zoom” or “zoomed out” before this year? My only association with the term was the educational show “Zoom” that played on PBS kids back in the day. Aside from the initial effects: low stock of pantry basics and cleaning supplies, there were a multitude of unforeseen consequences too. Touch starvation, increased social anxiety, loss of jobs in industries that are usually rock-solid. Throw all of the above on top of pre-existing issues and many people were fast-tracked into the vortex of the “dark and twisties” which is a juvenile description for a cycle of depression and anxiety. What comes first, the chicken or the egg?
Little did I (or any of us for that matter) know the challenges and personal struggles that 2020 would bring as I danced the night away that New Year’s Eve thinking, “surely this will be MY year, right?” Actually, in truth, I wasn’t thinking it. I’m pretty sure my friends and I were yelling it on the dance floor in a drunken ring around the rosie circle, so sorry.
In the midst of undulating bodies, cocktails and music blaring I found myself having a personal conversation with my friend who asked "what are your resolutions for this year?" After a moment I replied, "This is the year I'll start dating again." LOL
Now... we've all had experiences with resolutions that seemingly end faster than the hangover we experience on New Year's day but this time I meant it. After years of putting relationships on hold due to soul-searching, school, job hunting, etc. I was ready to take the plunge.
And then COVID happened. Coincidence? I think not.
However, thanks to technology and dating apps like Bumble, Hinge and Tinder, myself and many of my peers were able to continue meeting people virtually and eventually in-person with the continuation of phased re-openings.
After checking in with friends and hearing their trials and tribulations of dating during COVID it seems that everyone agreed that dating is an emotionally and physically exhausting process, especially during this… this...I don’t want to use “unprecedented” because we’re tired of that word so I’m just gonna call it what it was...CLUSTERFUCK of a year. There, I said it. It’s not a professional term so no one could use that “adjective” but everyone wanted to and that’s the truth! Okay, I digress...
At this point some of us, the 90’s babies have been dating for over ten years! We're tired and don't want to do it anymore! As I started to mentally accept the idea that my resolution was going to come to a hard stop, I started to recognize the, “collateral beauty.” Bare with me, even if it’s cringy.
I started to think of the guys I had met on these dates over the past year and while none of these, “situationships” as I like to call them, worked out for better or worse, I learned a lot from the conversations we had. I was introduced to: great movies, music, musicals, stand-up comedians, artists, silly conspiracy theories, and more. I also learned a lot just from hearing the guy’s perspective on important things too like: navigating through career paths, mending relationships with friends and family, trying to figure out who they are as a person, struggling to find a mentor, which are all things we as people struggle with and anyone can relate too.
As a result of these situationships, I also had conversations with my friends and my friend's boyfriends or girlfriends as I asked for advice. I got to hear their thoughts on dating, relationships and life and what it looks like from their perspective which taught me even more. Some relationships which I thought were rock solid actually required a lot of behind the scenes maintenance. Others had developed techniques to encourage things like honesty and open communication which could also be applied to non-romantic relationships. It was all eye-opening, but in a good way.
So, in the moment when it came time for myself or the other person to end things which is never like a “fun” experience no matter which side you’re on, it was easy for me to think, “I am done and I don’t want to do this anymore.” However, I have come to realize that an ending or a less than stellar interaction cannot blemish the overall lessons learned and genuine interactions that made it possible to keep going which sparked the idea for this (long winded) piece.
Typically, I like to keep myself out of my writings, keep things general and throw a "lil" fiction in the mix for anonymity. However, I do kind of feel compelled to put this story out there for reasons unknown other than I just want to! But, I don’t think I’ll make this a habit, maybe just a once a year thing...
Anyways, what I came to realize is that if any of these situationships had worked out, I would not be writing this because all of this is the result of a string of events. At the end of the year I found myself totally burned-out on life so I ended up booking a solo trip, taking time off work and turning off my phone. This gave me the opportunity to revive this hobby of mine, re-do my website and draft several “rough drafts of life.”
This newfound enjoyment of writing led me to seeking out and landing a writing position with a lifestyle magazine which was the creative stimulation I didn’t know I needed in my life!
The literal extra time I had not being involved with these guys led me to having more time to spend getting to know friends that had come into my life as a result of the situationships with those guys. Which also led me to finding the best place in town for fries which just so happens to be the Irish Pub around the corner from my apartment. I foresee summer 2021 having many late nights of fries, great beer and singing “Linger” by The Cranberries consistently off-key with zero shame.
Mulling over what I thought “was wrong” or “what I did wrong” in those situationships really forced myself to kind of hold up a figurative mirror and ask myself, Who am I? What do I want? and most importantly, Am I happy? If not, what will it take to be so?
I thought that the years I had spent being on my own were enough for me to have answers to these questions but I realized I still don’t have the answers. BUT, here comes the full-circle moment (everyone loves a good full-circle) I am finding the “collateral beauty” in everything that happened in 2020, CLUSTERFUCK and all and saying…
(That I will no longer be shouting my resolutions out loud in a room full of people because that is how the pandemic started.)
No, just kidding, kinda. I am saying, that whatever 2021 has in store, good or bad, situationships or full-on relationships, I will know that there is “collateral beauty” to be found. I am going to let the chips fall where they may as cliché as that sounds because I know in time, the perceived mistakes , bad endings , weird situations or whatever will all reveal themselves as playing an important role in getting me where I need to be which might not be where I saw myself being. I am super thankful for the people that came into my life over the past year even if it wasn’t for long. Every text, conversation and phone call influenced something that got me to where I am and even if I have nothing to show for it, I can at least say I feel very at peace with everything in the past and ready for what comes next even if I don’t have all the answers yet. That’s a task for 2021…
Maybe I’m looking at things with my rose (or should I say rosé) colored glasses on but this is what I am choosing to believe.
Okay, thanks for reading my Ted Talk.
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cng
